I have been dating a wonderful man for the past 5 months. We both felt an instant incredible connection. I’ve called him my “person” and he has called me his. We are in love and I know it’s right.
Unfortunately, he is married (separated) and getting divorced. There has been an incredible amount of transparency regarding this – the issue, however, is that in the course of our relationship, there has been no real progress to go through with the divorce. They still live together (sleeping in separate rooms). His wife knows all about me, but he went away with her to see her family (a “goodbye” type of situation) during my birthday weekend. Needless to say, my anxiety and uncertainty about our relationship heightened and caused doubt. I ended up becoming THAT girl (the one who needs too much reassurance) out as a result and we have decided to take a break. I have told him I support him 100% in whatever he needs to figure things out in his life. I know that he needs to do this in order to truly be able to pursue a future with me. He must grieve, mourn and separate before he can maintain a healthy, loving, confident relationship with me. I also know that he said the reason why it’s been so slow is because they are just in this robotic routine that has become very easy. Ultimately, I just want to know that I was right to feel the concern I felt due to the lack of progress? Or should I have been more understanding? I am fearful that perhaps I pushed him away and he may not come back to me when all is said and done. I also wonder if this is so easy for him that he will never get divorced and settle for a life of being roommates with his wife. I don’t want to lose him because I truly believe he is the love of my life. And I know parting ways right now was the right thing to do. I am just so fearful that this is the end of us. I really appreciate your advice.
Hate to throw your words back at you, Sheree, but let’s start right at the top:
“We are in love and I know it’s right.”
Um, no you don’t. If it was “right,” you wouldn’t have written this letter to me. I’ve never received an email from a happily coupled up woman asking me for advice on her non-existent problems.
So here’s what we DO know:
- o You chose to date a separated man who still lives with his wife.
o Either because of the circumstances or because of your natural disposition, you acted anxious and needy.
o Your insecurity either suffocated him or pushed him away to the point that he was willing to break up with you.
o You’re not even his girlfriend, yet you think you have the right to tell him what to do with his marriage, separation and divorce.
You’re not even his girlfriend, yet you think you have the right to tell him what to do with his marriage, separation and divorce.
Hate to tell you, my dear, but you’re in way over your head. You’re THAT girl on steroids.
You are exhibiting all the feelings of a woman in love – the high highs, the low lows, the obsessive thinking, the lack of perspective, the need to put his feelings before yours – but this is not love.
Love is what happens AFTER this obsession goes away. Love is what happens AFTER the smoke has cleared and you can assess your relationship properly. Love is when TWO people are committed to each other by choice every single day, not when one person has tingly thoughts and can’t let go of a complicated situation.
I’m not saying he doesn’t care about you. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy. For all I know, you are wonderful together – true star-crossed lovers, that, in different circumstances, may have a chance.
Love is when TWO people are committed to each other by choice every single day, not when one person has tingly thoughts and can’t let go of a complicated situation.
These are not those circumstances.
Objectively, you chose a man who is both physically and emotionally unavailable to you – and while he is in no rush to get married again, you’re putting your entire life on hold for him.
I couldn’t tell you if he’s going to go back to his wife, move out, or how quickly he’ll be able to move on. I can tell you that these are decisions that are dependent on what’s right for HIM, not what’s right for YOU.
What’s right for you is to break it off entirely, cut him off entirely, and, when you’re ready, start dating an emotionally available man who doesn’t have a wife at home. I guarantee that you can find these same “in love” feelings without all the complications.