Should I Stop Dating for 90 Days While the Guy I Like Gets His Head Straight?

Should I Stop Dating for 90 Days While the Guy I Like Gets His Head Straight

I’ve been friends with a guy for 10 years. When he learned I filed for divorce, he called and asked me out. For about a week the relationship was everything I ever wanted. Then, his ex-gf called him. He said he may still have feelings for her and our relationship was suddenly complicated. He stopped calling and texting all of a sudden. He says he doesn’t want her but he’s confused now. He has sought out the help of a mental health professional to get over this ex-gf who was actually a very bad person. A toxic relationship for sure. He has asked me to wait for him and not date anyone for 90 days and no contact with him for 90 days and he will do the same. At the end of the 90 days, if we still wish to see each other, we are to meet at a place that we mutually agreed on. He just thinks it was bad timing. My friends think I am nuts to wait…do you?

Jennifer

I don’t think you’re nuts, Jennifer.

I think you’re human.

I think you felt an intense one-week connection that was “everything you ever wanted.”

I think you are a victim of bad timing.

I don’t think you’re nuts, Jennifer.
I think you’re human.

I think he is in no position to be anybody’s boyfriend right now.

If you doubt that, check out his behavior since your 7 glorious days together:

      1. Says he still may have feelings for his ex (not emotionally available)

 

      2. Stopped calling and texting without explanation (bad communication skills)

 

      3. Claims to not want his ex but is admittedly confused (not in touch with emotions)

 

      4. Seeking help from a mental health professional (unresolved issues)

 

    5. Asked you to wait 90 days for him as if it’s a guarantee that all will be hunky dory in three months (selfish, unfair, controlling)

So yeah, Jennifer, I think your friends are on the right track, but I’m going to go one step further.

      o Don’t talk to him for 90 days.

 

      o Date other men consistently – a half hour a day on a dating site, one new date per week.

 

      o If you haven’t found a boyfriend in 90 days, keep going.

 

    o When he comes back after 90 days, give yourself 90 more days without him so you can find a new man and he can spend another 3 months getting his head on straight.

Just don’t forget that he’s already shown you a glimpse of who he is at this moment:
Emotionally unavailable, bad communicator, confused, unresolved issues, selfish, unfair and controlling.

And if, after six months, the pull between you is strong enough to try again, feel free to give it a shot.

Just don’t forget that he’s already shown you a glimpse of who he is at this moment:

Emotionally unavailable, bad communicator, confused, unresolved issues, selfish, unfair and controlling.

Whether you choose to focus on those qualities or not, that’s the man you’re pining for.

I feel strongly that you can find a connection with another guy who doesn’t have those issues if you just make an effort to do so.

It’s up to you whether you take my advice.

Please come back and tell us what you chose to do.

4 Comments

  1. So you wait 90 days for what, exactly? No guarantee he will be anywhere ready after that time period. Sometimes it takes years to truly get over someone, especially if you need a therapist to talk over unresolved issues. There are even some people who NEVER get over their exes (it’s much easier to stay stuck in past memories than to move forward to an uncertain future).
    It’s hard to walk away from that kind of an emotional connection, and i don’t blame you for doubting whether to concede to his proposal. I don’t think he is a bad person for asking you to wait for 90 days, he probably genuinely thinks that it will make a difference towards his readyness for a relationship with you. It just doesn’t sound like an emotionally healthy situation for you.
    I agree with Evan. Date prolifically for three months and then see what he has to say to you after that. State clearly beforehand to him that that is what you are going to do and see whether that is a dealbreaker for him. Anyone who can’t see that that is a good compromise probably isn’t good relationship material.

  2. GoWiththeFlow

    Run as fast as you can away from this guy!  He is in no position emotionally to truly connect and attach to someone else.  Go over Evan’s list of why this is so then add a 6th reason:  He just filed for a divorce!  So he has an ex-girlfriend he is hung up on AND a wife he is still legally tied too.  To say he needs to get his head on straight is an understatement!

  3. It sounds like the OP’s divorce hasn’t been finalized (if it has been within a week of filing i want to know what states she lives in..) If so, it’s probably a good thing for her to take a hiatus from dating for her own sake, not for the sake of this guy. I think Evan’s advise on this is spot on. And I am willing to bet that this guy’s unresolved issues will continue to be unresolved in 90 days.

  4. His life is on hold so yours should be, too? Live your life as if this guy isn’t in it, because technically, he’s not. He’s in your head–not the same thing. He wants to keep his options open while asking you to keep yours closed. Do better for yourself.

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