I’m Disabled and Fear All Sexual Activity. Should I Go Forward with My Wedding and Let My Husband Find Sex Elsewhere?

I'm Disabled and Fear All Sexual Activity. Should I Go Forward with Wedding and Let My Husband Find Sex Elsewhere

I’m getting married this Halloween. I love my husband-to-be very much, we don’t live together yet and we will not be living together for a while as I’m finishing Grad School abroad. We have never had sex. He had lot of experiences before me. I’ve had just one experience, a really bad one where I was forced to have sex and it was more than ten years ago. I also have muscular dystrophy and I am already unable to walk. I’m confined to a wheelchair. Everything physical scares me more than I would like to admit. I have told him that I am prepared to have him look for sex outside our marriage as long as he loves me cause that’s everything I care about. He says that I don’t know what I’m saying. I don’t know how to say to him that I’m not joking and I don’t wanna have sex. Ever. I dread oral sex too everything sexual basically. I love kissing him. That’s all.

Now if I still were fifteen I’d say it’s normal. But I’m a 26 year old girl. I was ok before him. I was settling for a miserable loveless disabled existence, studying and getting as many college degrees I could get. Then I fell in love. I hate that I cannot give him what he deserves, I would love him in my life though. I am going to marry him and I will hope to find plausible excuses every time to avoid getting in bed with him. I presume and hope he will eventually get tired of trying and just cheat on me – only to have sex though. As long as I am his wife and he’s my husband for the rest of our lives.


I guess I just needed to write down what I’ve been thinking. I don’t suppose you can actually have something to say to me. I have faith everything that is happening to me it is exactly what’s supposed to be happening to me. I don’t want to-not-marry him. And he’s marrying me out of love indeed but should I just disappear break both his heart and mine only because I don’t wanna have sex?

Waiting in fear, silently crying for I feel a deep love for him.

Elizabeth

Every once in awhile, I’ll get a letter like this, which is so sad and so off-the-charts that it renders any sort of advice useless.

The original poster, Elizabeth, is, by now, already married to a man with whom she will never have sex and is already encouraging her new husband to commit infidelity (without falling in love, of course).

She didn’t write in for advice. She wrote to get her thoughts together and ended on the hopeful note that everything that is happening is happening for a reason. Sorry, but this atheist ain’t buying it.

This isn’t a matter of divine intervention. This is a series of highly questionable choices by two objectively confused people, which will most likely lead to a disastrous outcome.

This isn’t a matter of divine intervention. This is a series of highly questionable choices by two objectively confused people, which will most likely lead to a disastrous outcome.

The only way this DOESN’T lead to a disastrous outcome is if everything goes according to your script: Your husband is content never having sex with his own wife. He gets his sexual needs met elsewhere but has no emotional feelings towards the women he sleeps with for the rest of his life. He has no moral qualms about being a serial philanderer because his wife condones it. And the wife is completely secure and satisfied knowing that her husband is out fucking other women (but keeping things purely physical and not emotional.) That’s a LOT of variables and if I were a betting man, I would not bet on this being a happy and mutually satisfying marriage.

Which is exactly what you DON’T want to hear right after you got married.

Sorry about that.

I don’t know anything about your husband, but it sounds like you’re both operating from a place of fear and scarcity.

You’re marrying a man who loves you to avoid a “miserable loveless disabled existence.”

He’s willingly marrying a woman who is afraid of all things sexual and is unwilling to face her fears for the sake of her marriage.

Objectively, this is not the healthiest foundation for a relationship. So I don’t know what to tell you, Elizabeth. If he were asking me for advice, I’d tell him to find a wife who wants to have sex with him instead of one who doesn’t. There are plenty of them out there. But since it’s you asking for advice (sort of), I will tell you the one thing that’s within your control that can fix everything:

There’s only one person who has the sole power to make this relationship work and that’s you.

Get into therapy, face your fears of physical intimacy, and save your marriage.

All the other plans you have to avoid being in bed with your husband and pretending not to care when he has sex with other women while you’re at home?

That’s some alternate reality wishful thinking right there.

There’s only one person who has the sole power to make this relationship work and that’s you.

Please come back and let us know what you plan to do.

Oh, and congratulations on your nuptials. Marriage really is a wonderful institution.

7 Comments

  1. I wish I could say congratulations but, just like Evan, this sounds like a marriage that will make both parties very sad. Even with the best of intentions, it does not seem possible that either party can live up to the unrealistic expectations that are being placed on them.
    At the moment you might think that therapy is a lost cause, as you have a deep dislike for anything sexually intimate, only it doesn’t sound as hopeless as you think it does. You say you really like kissing him, so obviously there is not only the required chemistry between you but also that you are capable of the first step of physical intimacy. That’s a very good start! A good therapist would be able to help you further into exploring your sexual side. The therapy goes at your own pace, you will not be forced to do anything you don’t want to do. That therefore means it can take a while before you see progress, but it is feasible.
    I have been taking sessions with a sexologist for the past year and a half and that has been such a huge help. It’s not an easy process and miracles do not happen overnight. It has helped me relax and address the mixed feelings i had towards sex and within the past few weeks what seemed to be an unrealistic dream -the potential to have painless sexual intercourse- is very nearly becoming reality.
    Please think about visiting your GP for a referral to a sexologist. I am sure it could lead you to enjoying greater physical intimacy with your partner and not being afraid of falling in love with one of his sidepieces.

  2. Elizabeth, listen to this girl and Callie below.  <3 hugs and kisses, lovie. Your story is soul crushing xoxoxoxo

  3. The thing that gets to me the most about the letter aren’t the problems they will likely face in the marriage. It’s this: “I’ve had just one experience, a really bad one where I was forced to have sex…”
    This woman was sexually assaulted. Someone had sex with her without her consent. Already this woman has issues with sex due to her physical disability, but she has far greater scars because of this extremely horrible experience. Her one time experiencing “sex” (I put it in quotes because it was hardly that) was a traumatic one. Of course now sex is going to be absolutely the last thing she’s ever going to want to have, especially considering her added physical issues.
    So I really really hope, letter writer, you do seek out therapy. Not just for the sake of your marriage but for yourself. You need to talk through what happened to you and get beyond it so it isn’t controlling your life like this. You need to know that you are not to blame. You need to do this for your own sake. Don’t think of it as going to therapy in order to have sex with your husband (as right now I know that is the last thing you feel like doing). Think of it as going to therapy for your own health. It may turn out you truly at your core don’t like or want sex. And then you and your husband are going to have to deal with what that means. But right now you don’t really know what’s going on and you need help to figure it out. And you also need to get healthy. And feel good about yourself.
    Please take care of yourself.

  4. I am sorry for her being forced to have sex- not nice thing,but…all the rest is so much CRAP…is so selfish and so immature and so controlling..and Not giving a damn what the husband /loved and loving/ thinks or wants..
    So, she is just saying straight up,that she Will be lying to her man day in and day out and will also push him hard to become something which he probably isn’t – cheater.. What a …crook .. What a revolting individual this woman is…If I was the man,I would dump her there and than.
    Look,woman – toughen up. Get over your BS excuses of that “so scary” experience – big deal.. someone stuck it into you.did not hurt you,did not kill you.. Many women- more that the reports show,being forced one way or another at some point to have sex in a way they do not like.. but we are all “Alive and kicking”..and not hypocrites or controlling witches with no regard for the other person..
    I was never “sorry” for disabled people who whine and cry like they are the centre of the world and everyone shall tip toe around their wishes,because..you see poor them, such a unfair life..Hey,life is pretty hard,for ALL of us, disability does Not give you any right to feel any superior in any way..
    Get over your own BS and be good devoted,loving wife, or… do this  man Huge favour and Free him up from your poison.. Because you can not even see,that he in fact is giving a lot more than you ever will- marrying an disabled..not only physically,but mentally as well…!!!!

  5. GoWiththeFlow

    Wow!!!  Sitting here with my mouth hanging open and my eyes wide open. . . I can’t even comprehend how this train wreck started in motion.  BOTH of these people needed intensive counseling BEFORE they even contemplated entering into a relationship.  It would be a miracle if this marriage worked out.

  6. Hi GoWithTheFlow,
    1). Why do you believe that she wanted to get married?
    2). Why do women want to get married?
    …   …   …
    I always thought women viewed married as the ultimate proof of a man’s commitment to her and the relationship? Is that not why women can be dating a great guy who does everything for her and treats her right but if he just wants to continue living together and not get married she leaves him?… for no other reason, not because of anything he did to her, not because he suddenly became a bad person, but simply because he does not want to get married.
    I never understood this, marriage is just a piece of paper why leave a good relationship because a guy didn’t want to marry you? What is different between the married couple and the couple who are just living together?
    …   …   …
    This is why the original poster’s actions confuse me. Why marry a man who you will encourage to be with others? Spending time with someone that you NEVER have sex with and who you know is “actively” having sex with others is what I would call just a friend.
    So I ask why do you think she wanted marriage with this guy instead of just remaining close friends?
    What does marriage mean to women if she can marry someone but encourage him to cheat?
    Her actions make me rethink what I thought I understood about why women want to get married so badly.

  7. I don’t understand why people are including the guy when they speak about needing counseling.
    He is just a guy in love, the same as almost every comment or letter we get on this site. He loves her, he believes that she is NOT serious about the no sex ever thing because of the intense make-out sessions. He thinks she is just scared and if he is patient and kind enough she will trust him enough to have sex.
    He needs to find another woman but as Evan said they are most likely married now. People in love always believe that love is the answer; love will conquer all. But from reading her letter you see that some people can’t be reached even with love.

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