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13 Comments

  1. “I started spending time with another friend about 4 months ago and we like each other very much. We have never discussed the nature of our relationship but I have been led to believe that he is looking for a monogamous relationship”.
    Probably should have let him know that you were already in an open relationship with someone else about 3 and 1/2 months ago so he could decide if he wanted to continue seeing you or not.

  2. I agree with KK. I would fess up sooner rather than later, because not saying anything is just leading him on. You may just see this is as a bit of fun, but from his side he might be seeing the potential of a monogamous relationship, and not the reality of being a condoned secondary relationship. Any literature devoted to open relationship stresses the importance of open communication towards ALL parties, not just the couple within the primary relationship. Please treat the man with the respect you would want to be accorded yourself, and clarify your relationship status. He might be completely fine with this situation, but he is going to be way more open to this set up, if he hears the info from you.
    In the dark ages before i consulted Evan’s blog, i dated a man who said there was someone in his life but that it wasn’t serious. As I was so keen on him, and he seemed so happy with me, i figured that we would eventually move towards a monogamous relationship with each other. A friend of mine then heard through the grapevine that he was engaged and living together with this ‘not serious’ relationship. When he confirmed that this was the case, i was devastated. Of course, the blame was partly on me, as i should have dug deeper and not just taken his initial explanation at face value. Yet i felt truly screwed over, and it ruined any potential of lasting friendship or even respect towards the man. I hope you are able to prevent a similar situation.

  3. Emily, the original

    Malika,
    I don’t know much about open relationships. I’m not implying you do but you mentioned “condoned secondary relationship.” I wonder if the secondary partner ever becomes more important than the primary partner. If that happens, I wonder if that blows up the primary relationship.

  4. Hi Emily,
    I have never been in one myself, and would run away screaming if any dude i was ever dating proposed it. But i do sometimes get e-mails from men who are looking for a non-monogamous relationship on OKC, so i decided to delve into the subject out of curiosity.
    There are different set ups within non monogamous relationships. Some have one night stands or short lived affairs, others have full blown relationships outside the central open relationship. I think that if the primary relationship is strong and both people within it have willingly chosen non monogamy, new relationships need not be threatening. If the relationship is weak and a partner comes along who offers a far better alternative, i would think all bets are off.
    A lot of people are genuinely happy with this kind of arrangement and i can see why. Certain needs that are not met within your primary relationship could be met outside, you would have the variety of different partners, the thrill of the new would always be a possibility, not just a dream. I just couldn’t bear the thought of sharing my partner with someone else, so for me personally, it’s an absolute no.

  5. I have seen ORs work very nicely, in situations where the men a woman is an alpha and the guy is a beta. The reality is, strong-willed women have it worst in the “traditional” setup – a beta guy would be the best fit for such woman to form a stable couple, but she will always crave the short-loved excitement he simply can not provide. In this type of situation, it makes for a much more stable union if she is allowed to satisfy those cravings outside of the main relationship. I have not seen it work the other way. Perhaps because women are in general more possessive and jealous and not willing to “share”.

  6. Emily, the original

    Hi Malika,
    I just couldn’t bear the thought of sharing my partner with someone else, so for me personally, it’s an absolute no.
    It’s not my thing, either. I support peoples’ right to do what they want in their relationships, but I would want a man to tell me right away, up front, if he was in an open relationship and asked me out on a date. That’s a piece of personal information that you can’t wait to tell someone until you know her better.

  7. Emily, the original

    Hi Stacy2
    The reality is, strong-willed women have it worst in the “traditional” setup – a beta guy would be the best fit for such woman to form a stable couple, but she will always crave the short-loved excitement he simply can not provide. In this type of situation, it makes for a much more stable union if she is allowed to satisfy those cravings outside of the main relationship.
    I’m not sure I am following you. The alpha woman should couple up in a long-term relationship with a beta man but have an alpha man as a side piece because the beta man will bore her sexually? (Sorry if I’m way off in interpreting what you wrote.)

  8. Radical honesty is the foundation for non-monogamy.  Radical honesty is foundational for ALL relationships, but non-mono has more challenges than most because it doesn’t have cultural apparatus to stand in for the consciousness of the people involved.
    If you don’t plan to be sexual with the new “friend”, then the new friend doesn’t need to know anything about your sexual activities with others.  But if things are or have been sexual, then it’s time or past time to share as much as each of you honestly feels comfortable with…. meaning that if you are not comfortable sharing as much as the new friend wants to hear from you, then you must cut back on shared sexual activities to the point where everyone is comfortable with all the levels of sharing of sex and information.

  9. Day one would have been the appropriate time to tell him in my opinion, and not a minute later.
    Unbeknownst to me, I once dated someone like you, and here is my unsolicited advice:  LEAVE US MONOGOMOUS PEOPLE ALONE!  Stick with people who share your same (ahem) “values”.  Thanks.

  10. Simple! MOST people seek a monogamous relationship, although some men and women go through an experimentation phase. So monogamous is the norm. Anything else might be deemed “non-standard”, although we should hesitate or give pause to qualify fringe or non-standard as ABnormal.
    The immediate concern is whether or not a person such as the OP has a capacity for emotional attachment. For various reasons, some people have lost (or perhaps never had) that trait. Disclosure of your beliefs or way of life is essential. If lesft unsaid, you manipulate or exploit for your own purposes. Whereas if properly declared, the “buyer beware” clause is resolved. Both parties are free to frolic, or not. No games. No surprises. No harm done. Although harm could still come about if the other person gets attached, falls in love, and the like, but that was their call: they were forewarned.

  11. FG, Agreed!

  12. Yet Another Guy

    Am I the only one who believes that the term “open relationship” is an oxymoron? A relationship is a commitment. A commitment is by definition closed. An open relationship is little more than close friends who have sex.

  13. I think she did not want to tell this guy because she did not want to risk her personal and private life becoming exposed if he decided to tell others.
    Plus… I am sure that 4 months ago she did not plan on getting so emotionally attached to this guy (yes I am speculating).
    Finally I think she wants to tell him in hopes of him accepting it and her because again, I sense that she really likes this guy.
    …   …   …
    I have a lot of third hand experience with people in open relationships because of my old job which I have spoken of a lot on here.
    So Magdalena my advice is to just leave the guy alone but “if” you want to keep what you do private then I would not tell the guy about being in a open relationship.
    Just tell him that you don’t see a future with him or that you are talking to someone else. People are actually experts at rejecting potential suitors without being mean or harsh.
    You called him a friend, if this is true and you don’t want others inside your circles to know then again DON’T tell him that you are in an open relationship.
    Just break off contact. Again I think the only reason that you are struggling and want to tell him is because you do like him and you subconsciously want him to be okay with your lifestyle… The whole wanting your cake and eating it too cliche’.
    …   …   …
    Also I am wondering… if you would have met guy two first instead of guy one would you still be wanting an open relationship? Unlike many commenters I knew many couples who were in open relationship and couple who were swingers. They are not the same thing. Though you wrote so little about yourself, you do not seem to fit completely into either group. So I wonder is this just you finding yourself or running from something.
    If you met a great guy and fell in love would you commit to him or reject him in favor of the open lifestyle?

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