I Love an Obese Man and I’m Confused.

I Love an Obese Man and I'm Confused

I met him online almost two years ago. We played the same online game and we began to talk and I had a major crush on him for his deep voice. He lives on the other side of the world so I didn’t anticipate anything more than a crush, but he’s made my life so much better! Over the next 6 months he helped me leave my abusive, alcoholic husband (now ex). He supported me as I made my decision to leave after 9 years of marriage. That was scary! I married when I was 21 and my husband was not a good guy. I’m no angel either of course, but my life has been amazing since I left him. I online dated prolifically in the last year since I’ve left him and had some short, but fun and diverse relationships. Meathead gym bro w/sexy body. Highly intelligent, but emotionally unavailable guy. Rich alpha male, with ego issues.

Anyway, through all this my Swedish guy supported me as I dealt with my own alcoholism and other issues. I’ve been sober longer than I’ve been in 9 years. It’s been a year since I left my ex and this man has saved me in so many ways. He’s my rock and I love him.

We started an official relationship, bf/gf style even though he lives in Sweden and I live in the US. He flew to see me and arrived only a couple days ago. He is much heavier than I thought. The problem is NOT that he’s overweight, it’s that he’s obese
.

That said though, this is the most comfortable relationship I’ve ever been in. He loves me and I love how he explores my body and how sensual he is. I’m not disgusted by his fat, but I don’t know why. I love him and it’s the strangest relationship ever, but it’s so happy. And he’s so smart, confident and somehow…sexy. He turns me on with the way he talks to me and touches me, way more so than my last boyfriend who was a muscled gym bro.

Am I in a weird infatuation stage? Do you think it is infatuation or disillusion that makes me attracted to him? Will it crash and burn? I’m confused. I was married 9 years to a man who didn’t turn me on, though he was a healthy weight.

I don’t care what my friends or family think. I don’t care that we look goofy together because of our size and health difference. Well, in some ways it does bother me, but I’m grown-up enough to ignore those what-will-people-think worries.

I’m aware that if a man were to write this message I would judge him so hard ?

Thanks,
Katie

You don’t have a question, Katie.

You have a beautiful story – a tale that’s as old as time, if you will.

I normally don’t provide much validation here – namely because there’s not much to learn from it – but in this case, I wanted to make an exception.

You are a perfect illustration for how real love works. You are a demonstration that, despite how it looks from the outside, if a man makes you feel safe, heard and understood, you can be extremely happy.

You have a beautiful story – a tale that’s as old as time, if you will.

I’m positive some women are reading this right now and rolling their eyes:

“See, this is just more evidence that Evan is asking us to give up on things like looks, attraction and health!”

Except I’m not. Read Katie’s letter. She IS attracted to him. She arrived at this conclusion on her own, without my help.

That said though, this is the most comfortable relationship I’ve ever been in. He loves me and I love how he explores my body and how sensual he is….I love him and it’s the strangest relationship ever, but it’s so happy. And he’s so smart, confident and somehow…sexy. He turns me on with the way he talks to me and touches me, way more so than my last boyfriend who was a muscled gym bro.

But it feels foreign to her. Of course it does. That’s what happens anytime you step outside your comfort zone and date someone who doesn’t meet your preconceived expectations of what it “should” look like (which is generally “you,” but the opposite sex version).

Substitute the word “obese” with “Catholic,” “black,” “blue-collar,” “short,” “older,” “handicapped,” and you can see how millions of people find lasting love with people in different packaging.

The only thing I want to address, Katie is not whether this is infatuation that’s doomed to crash and burn. Most relationships start out white hot and end up cooling to some degree over time.

You are a demonstration that, despite how it looks from the outside, if a man makes you feel safe, heard and understood, you can be extremely happy.

My concern isn’t the weight of your boyfriend.

It’s that he lives in Sweden.

Long-distance relationships are tough. Long-distance relationships that require an intercontinental flight or relocation are tougher. My only close friend who did this fell madly in love with a woman in Europe, proposed to her via Skype, she moved in with him in the U.S. and they were broken up within 2 months.

So enjoy your big, sensual, confident, sexy Swede, but don’t lose sight of the fact that this is the beginning of your relationship and there is a lot to work out before you should start picking out china patterns. Congratulations on falling in love with someone that you wouldn’t have previously considered. I believe in your character and in your ability to make this work. Please, keep us posted.

10 Comments

  1. The heart wants what the heart wants. It’s quite a feat to find someone who you are attracted to on different levels, so congratulations on finding someone who has made such an impression on you! We often have an overly clear vision of what our future other half should look like, that it can blind us to the special qualities a non-Disney Prince/princess can bring to the table, so i commend you for getting past the blinkers.
    The long distance is going to be a huge hurdle! I have known people who have made it work even though they lived in different countries at the start of their relationship, but they happened within Europe, so low cost flights made it a little bit easier than your situation. Even then, the to-ing and fro-ing cut a big dent in their discretionary income, and if they had less money they would not have been able to keep up the relationship. I hope you are able to find a way to make it work, long term. Even if you don’t, this relationship has brought you great happiness in the short term, far more than your LTR ever did, and that is definitely worth the adventure.

  2. Just hold him and  . . .  love.  Seriously, this is what people are looking for.  You hit the jackpot. (Sometimes the jackpot comes in an unexpected .  . . pot!)  Maybe there will be things in the future that will be a challenge. Probably.  The distance is more a problem than his weight as Evan said.
    It’s going to be work for both of you, but work you both seem well into to wholeheartedly doing.
    I wish you both well!

  3. I could not agree more and I tell my single friends all the time, look you don’t have to want to rip his clothes off or do a Hollywood kiss scene on the first date.  You spoke to him for three hours wow!  Then they say well he’s fill in the blank.  Movies have us all screwed up.  I have several friends that if they don’t want to kiss him within the first five minutes they have no interest. Ugh.

  4. Congratulations on your connection! I just want to offer a counter to Evan’s story to balance it out: I have a friend in the U.S. who used the Facebook dating feature (no longer available, I think) to meet a Turkish woman in Qatar. He proposed without ever having met her in person, then he packed up and moved to Qatar. Three countries and eight years later, her son from a previous relationship lives with them in a quaint New England house near his parents, they run a couple of successful businesses, and they seem happy and supportive of one another. The odds may be against you, but it does happen. Follow your heart.

  5. I honestly would proceed with caution, Katie.
     
    I’m very happy for you that you really like this guy and can see past his appearance and still feel great connection and attraction. But you barely know each other. You met each other in person a few days ago, and despite all the chatting which you did online, a relationship doesn’t really start until you meet in person. The fact that it’s long distance and that he was able to help you during these difficult situations which you found yourself in have probably intensified your feelings so that they feel deeper and greater than they might actually turn out to be in reality. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. There’s nothing like hardly ever being able to see someone to fan the flames of lust and passion. How will you feel when you see each other every day and do normal, everyday, boring things? How will you feel when you’ve recovered from your divorce (only 6 months ago! Is everyone missing this?!?) and got your alcoholism under control and you no longer need him to rescue you?
     
    Proceed carefully. I think your question “will this crash and burn?” is your intuition telling you to be cautious.

  6.  
    I’m the OP.
     
    To Evan -Thank you so, so, so much for responding to my not-a-question!
    And to the commenters – Thank you soooooo much for your kind and intelligent responses!
     
    I wrote this 6ish weeks ago. He’s still here and I’m madly and hopelessly in love. He was going to stay 3.5 weeks, but extended his trip (Paid vacation leave for Swedes is insane compared to US).
    Speaking aesthetics, he seems less heavy than when he first arrived. I don’t notice it much now, which is strange.
    I know he can’t do some of the things I would like him to be able to do with me, like go backpacking or rock climbing. But I have friends that can do those things with me. My partner doesn’t have to be able to do every little thing with me, and that’s fine.
     
    He leaves in a week and when I think of everything going back to online communication/phone/texts I feel like I’m going to cry 🙁
     
    I’ve read Evan’s thoughts on LDR -Really hard.  Plus, chances are good that you can find someone just like your long-distance amour in your own city. I agree with the notion. But a new guy wouldn’t have the history I have with my Swede, which is a two-year history of consistent support, intelligent discussions, goofy laughs and loving acceptance.
     
    Both of us are open to relocating. In an ideal world, one of us would land a job in the others country, which would facilitate and finance the move and we could date like normal people. The reality is that that’s very, very hard to manage.
     
    Me moving to Sweden is challenging because my skills allow me to get jobs easily in English-speaking countries -I’m a science teacher, college and high school level – But Sweden speaks Swedish officially.
     
    Him moving to the US is challenging because his skills as a professional chef mean that jobs are harder to come by. His professional connections with other chefs in Stockholm lubricate his job transitions. Landing a chef job in the US would be very hard. He’s been researching it, and it seems the best way is to get “sponsored” by a company. We learned about it when we visited IKEA a few weeks ago, and met a Swedish guy there, who was “sponsored” by IKEA, so IKEA managed/financed the green card stuff, et cetera. As you can imagine, getting “sponsored” is not easy to come by and neither of us have experience with immigration stuff, so there’s a lot to learn before we can  actually DO anything.
     
    And then there’s the temptation to just get married and be done with it.
     
    Pros: Easiest/quickest path to green card. Both of us could work in either country.
     
    Cons: Hah! Let’s just agree that it’s a horrendously complicated way to date.
     
    But the thought of him not being here is soul-crushing. It really, really hurts.
     

  7. GoWiththeFlow

    Good luck to you and your Swede!
    A quick word of advice “the just get married and be done with it” way may actually make things harder for your sweetie to get a green card since it raises suspicions of a fake marriage.  A friend had plans to marry his fiancé and then work on getting her a green card afterwards.  Then they consulted an immigration attorney and found out that was not a good way to go about it.  The planned wedding turned into a visit where friends and family met his intended instead.  They now have a plain place  for how to navigate immigration issues.

  8. Relocation is uber challenging. Sweden and US have very different cultures and both would require an intense inmersion in language and culture, which takes years to fully get through. Having said that, people do it all the time, so while difficult it is not impossible. You need time to fully heal from your divorce, but maybe at a later stage you can think of a solution.
    I know a couple that met each other via a chat website, back in the late 90’s. She lived in Mexico and he lived in The Netherlands. He wrote about their chats and was invited on to a show called ‘all you need is love’. He thought he was only going to talk about the challenges of falling in love via a chat website, but they surprised him by flying her over to The Netherlands and they met irl for the first time on a set stage! 17 years later and they and their burgeoning family are still going strong. They were my inspiration years later when i started online dating. Love can be found in the strangest of places.

  9. Hmm. You are saying, “This doesn’t bother me but it should.” I am hearing, “This bothers me,” but it shouldn’t.

  10. I’ll just chuck in my two cents about LDRs. My boyfriend and I are both big fans of EMK and knowing his stance on distance we laugh that we are unicorns and probably fall under “a broken clock stops twice a day”! We are an example that an LDR can work, but we have the following advantages:
    1) We are both extremely good communicators and have been able to talk about all of our deepest personal issues and hopes for the future without any restraint. We’re also very secure people, and don’t have anxiety over what the other person is doing with their time or with whom.
    2) We live an 8-hour flight away in different countries, but there is only a 1-2 hour time zone difference so it is very easy for us to talk 3-4 times a day via WhatsApp (and we enjoy talking on the phone and sending messages, it doesn’t feel like work to us because we’re so verbal. I have the time and money to visit every two months or so (I have more vacation time than he does, and he contributes financially to my visits.  He will come here in less than two weeks!)
    3) We both hold two passports and have one of those in common,  which makes the future prospect of living together much easier. He speaks English like a native speaker and has work experience that allows him good job prospects where I live. He lives in a small town, but since he works remotely he is willing to move to a larger area where I have more opportunities should I go live with him.
    4) We are mature (late 30s – early 40s) and know exactly what we are looking for in a relationship and also patient enough to the necessary time before making major decisions. He asked me to marry him after about 6 months but I said “Listen to Evan! We need at least 2 years and we need to live together first!” (Thanks Evan!)
    5) I used to live near the town where he is based (we met when I was visiting friends and family) so if I move there, it’s a familiar place and I won’t be challenged with making all new friends or navigating a language barrier.
    6) In order for him to emigrate to the country I am living now, we do not have to get married, but we do have to be in a de facto relationship (which means living together and showing proof that we are sharing a home, finances, leisure time, and have met each others’ family and friends). That takes a lot of pressure off and we don’t have to get married right away.
    What I say to other people in LDRs that if this person is a really good match for you and you work hard for the relationship, the distance doesn’t matter. You will feel so secure, safe, and understood that you will willingly navigate the rest. Distance in and of itself is not a dealbreaker but you must be 150% committed and willing to deal with the stress of immigration, relocating, different cultures, climates, leaving behind what is familiar, etc. My boyfriend and I have both emigrated multiple times and lived far away from our families since we were in college, so we’re pretty tough independent people and can deal with all of the above, but it’s not for everyone. But if you go in with your eyes open, take time to get to know the person, don’t let adrenalin take over and drive your decisions, and navigate the difficult stuff together and become closer as a result,  you may find yourself on a grand adventure with the love of your life.
     

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